IN REVIEW: Helmet - "Size Matters"

A welcome, if somewhat disturbing, return.

I'll set up the review with a small tidbit... as I was online last night, Randy Ross (drummer, gNosh) signed onto Messenger.  We talked for a while, and a good chunk of the conversation was regarding this new Helmet CD.  See, I consider myself somewhat of a fan, but Randy is HARDCORE!  Sadly, he's stuck on dial-up for now, so I thought I'd be nice and transfer the first track, "Smart", to him.  45 minutes later, it was downloaded, and he pressed play.  The next message to appear in my window was "OH MY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", give or take an excalmation mark or two.

That was kind of my reaction to "Smart" as well.  But, something was nagging me.  Was I reacting this way because it was so mind-numbingly good as to reduce me to curse words followed by dozens of exclamation marks?  Or, was I reacting this way simply because I was listening to a brand new Helmet song?

In order to give "Size Matters" is due, it should be noted that only Page Hamilton has appeared on previous Helmet releases (guitarist Chris Traynor toured with Helmet in support of "Aftertaste", but wasn't on record).  Joining him on this album, in addition to Traynor, is virtual all-star John Tempesta (most notably skinsman for White / Rob Zombie and Testament) on drums (Traynor also played bass for the record, but the bassist slot is now filled by Frank Bello, formerly of Anthrax.  Skepticism abounds, as whenever the original members are AWOL, it starts to smack of "Page Hamilton solo record".  But, in a sense, the previous three were too (though, admittedly, the rhythm section of Henry Bogdan and John Stanier was quite able).

Which brings us to "Size Matters", and the rock music contained within its 40 minutes of playing time. 

The salvo is the aforementioned "Smart", a straightforward, off-time riff fest that promises greatness.  But then, Hamilton starts singing, and it becomes confusing.  His somewhat monotone tenor of past releases has been ditched in favor of a gruff, scratchy growl.  It's the biggest shock on the album, as it becomes clear quickly that Page has been working on some different styles.  And when he croons on the chorus before launching into a semi-possessed howl, it's abundantly clear that "Size Matters" will not be "Meantime II" by any stretch. 

The rest of the album's ten tracks tread all kinds of territory; and not much of it is familiar, Hamilton instead taking Helmet's sound away from the minions of soundalikes that have worn out their welcomes on rock radio.  "Crashing Foreign Cars", for example, is probably the heaviest song Helmet has ever recorded, bordering on punk rock (and the melodies in the chorus will stick in your head in a hurry). 

Then, there's rumored first single, "See You Dead", a tongue-in-cheek (?) stalker tale with a swinging swagger that seems to channel Queens of the Stone Age and Charles Manson simultaneously.  Throughout, Hamilton seethes, his vocal style bordering on maniacal.  Though, again, there's honest-to-God melody to save it from being overly creepy.  We'll touch on the subject matter a little later.

Next is "Drug Lord", one of the closest returns to familiar territory we're going to find.  By which I mean it's like an old Helmet song, except slower, darker, and with a shitload more melody (oh, and there's a smoking guitar solo).  You know, come to think of it, this is nothing like old Helmet.  But it's extremely fucking good.

Another dirgy tune follows in the form of "Enemy", with its basic drop-D riff and weird little squeals that drop of into a reverbed abyss.  In the verses, Hamilton almost whispers (something we hardly ever hear) before the chorus bombasts the listener with (here's that word again) melody.  Another great moment near the end of the track, with the just-barely audible "oohs" that flow into the chorus.

Next is the only other example of a song on the album that immediately reminds me of another band.  "Unwound" plays out like a Foo Fighters song (at least, for the intro).  It then turns into yet another hook-filled rock track that I pray will be played on the radio.  Again, I must stress the melodies, as they're all over the fucking place.  It's a simple component of music that plays on this record like a long-lost friend.

When the pace picks up again on track 7 ("Everybody Loves You"), it comes off as kind of startling considering the trio of mid/slow tempo tracks that preceeded.  And, again, Hamilton's growl is in effect (and, again, there's sprinkles of melody to polish off the menace in his voice).

Next is the piece de resistance, a fantastic rock song by the name of "Surgery".  The verse riffing , while remniscent of past Helmet glory, takes a back seat to Hamilton's vocals, which are melodic (how many times can I mention melody in this review)?  And, without giving away too much, the chorus might just be the greatest we'll hear this year.

It's hard to follow up a stellar track like that, but the old college try is given on "Speak And Spell".  Melodic riffing caves into a metallic crunch for the verses, but Hamilton's vocals are, once again... you know.  The chorus has a sing-along quality and melody (said it again) that makes a damn fine runner-up for "Surgery".

The tenth track is probably the most Helmet-like on the album (this time, I mean it... I think), with its tasty riff, gruff growl, and off-time drums, with a few weird sounds thrown in for good measure.  In fact, it's all you've come to expect from a Helmet song... until the strangely melodic chorus kicks in.  Then, it's more.

Closing proceedings is "Last Breath", which is honestly the most Helmet-like song on the album, the only differentials from past albums are Helmet's voice, alternating from his tenor croon to his maniacal growl, and the screaming guitar solo.  It plays as a sort of reprise to "See You Dead", lyrically speaking.  But, then again, there's lyrical theme covering the whole album, that I'll now address.

After the aural assault of "Size Matters", if you read the lyric sheet, it damn well looks like a concept album.  Here's the story in a nutshell... keep in mind that it's only my interpretation.

Smart - A drunken man picks up an easy chick at a bar and proceeds to have a one-night stand.  Sample lyric: "Tonight could be / Kept between you and me / I don't need to know your name"

Crashing Foriegn Cars - The man later finds out that the woman was cheating, though she swears she wants to make a relationship work with him.  He degrades himself for falling into her love trap, and cites his failures as a reason for breaking it off.  Sample lyric: "There's a sucker born every other minute, Lord / And he deserves you more / You know I'll only crash this car"

See You Dead - Strangely, the man becomes obsessed with the woman, who's gone back to her old boyfriend.  Losing grip, he begins to stalk her, and fantasizes about killing her.  Sample lyric: "I'm a threat now / Are you scared? / It's just murder / At least you know I care"

Drug Lord - The man goes into denial, dismissing his feelings, and tries to convince himself that she is no good.   Meanwhile, his mind continues to slip.  Sample lyric: "I'd fake my death before I let you in / I am removed / There's nothing left to prove"

Enemies - Having aired out their feelings (possibly in a confrontation), it's made clear that they can never go back to the way they were.  Sample lyric: "I know what you need / I can't tell you lies / And we'll be enemies / The soul is satisfied"

Unwound - Realizing that he is, in fact, in love with her, the man convinces himself that she is only pretending not to love him, and figures she'll come back in time, possibly out of concern for his well-being.  Sample lyric: "So darling, you're starting now / I'll give you time / So darling, you're worrying / I'll be alright"

Everybody Loves You - Growing impatient, the man resumes stalking, and pleads for her to see things his way (to no avail).  Sample lyric: Now your mood is not so good / You don't know what you're after"

Surgery - Resentful at her for making him feel this way, the stalking escalates to the point that he is doing it purely to make her feel as uncomfortable as he is.  Sample lyric: "Are you falling down? / 'Cause I can't help you now / Now you see how it feels"

Speak And Spell - Furious,  impatient, and slipping even further mentally, the man begins to target her boyfriend with verbal assaults.  Sample lyric: "I want to know he's dumb / And he's miserable"

Throwing Punches - It all comes to a head.  Convinced that she is unpure and undeserving of life, he breaks into her house, and a physical and/or emotional confrontation ensues.  Sample lyric: "It's unreal / She'll tell you what you want to hear / Feel her infection / Touch you and you rot"

Last Breath - In the final chapter the woman, kidnapped and brought to the man's house, is tortured and killed.  "You're so worked up / This torture is paying off ... Your last breath on earth is / All I can take"

And there you have it.  Underneath a magnificent musical accomplishment a disturbing, misogynistic tale of love, revenge and murder.  Again, it's only my interpretation, and it could be way off.  Regardless, the subject matter is (in my opinion) only a light tarnish on the blinding, glorious sheen of the metal base that holds it. 

"Size Matters" is in stores on September 14.  If you're intrigued by this review, I strongly urge you to pick this album up.  Whether you're an old school fan of the band like Randy & I, or a new recruit, Helmet has returned, and surpassed, their glory days on an album that puts all of the copycats they influenced firmly into their place.


9 EXCELLENT
Release Date: September 14, 2004 • Interscope